Super Hans: Yep. Jeremy Usborne: You always loved history, Mark. I mean, imagine that, that's the scenario we're talking. But I say to those cynics, listen cynics, this is the modern world and just because it's new and strange and unnerving doesn't mean it's not... brilliant. If I can get my shopping home intact, I'll be happy. I'm a jelly! Darryl: Yeah. ", "No", "Well, f*** off then, I'm not interested.". Jeremy Usborne: Yeah. Everything's got to be perfect for the big moment. I'm not trying to kiss you, Mark. Super Hans: It's a pisser, though, innit? Ben says "I'm all about the merch.
Mark Corrigan: Sophie has not called me once yet, so there is actually a perfectly valid excuse for what I'm almost certainly not going to try to do, OK? Great sex-and-suicide flick, turned a whole generation of men onto girls with mental illness.
There’s a very big difference.” (Mark), “Is this a terrible idea? Stockings? Super Hans: Earlier. F***y-hurry-uppy! We think it'll set us back two or three years, which is cool. Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Did I just say that?
Drugs are fine, Mark, everyone agrees now.
Just like my paperboy days.
Where's Mummy? That's literally what I am. Jeremy Usborne: Dude, we're here for the duration. I mean, since you clearly want to do that, why don't you? Johnson: Yes, I knew that, so the joke's on you. No, not like Fritzl, like a nice normal loving guy who knows where she is at all times.
[voiceover] Good old Columbo. And I suppose I'm supposed to find that incredibly charming and French. This is what men want and we shouldn't be allowed to have it because it's horrible and it makes you feel sick. Another one for the collection. Oh, this is a f***ing disaster. He'll probably wake up in three days completely cured. Cally: I thought you were a business brain, Mark, but you're better than that. I'm not gonna to do a poo, am I, Jez? Tell them. Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Maybe something could happen. Blair on guitar, Bono on vocals, Clinton on sax. Cally: So, I checked out your stuff on MySpace and I literally freaked, big time. We could take these to the Dragons! The last thing I need is an infant cramping my style. Yeah, maybe. Big Suze: So, Jez.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Arsehole. Mark Corrigan: Actually this is almost top speed. Now f*** me and pretend I'm your mom!
Jeremy Usborne: [whispering] When do we get to go out? [He runs at them with the bar, screaming. Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Shit, is this gonna happen? You never pay any rent, if you start stealing from me as well, that it, you'll have to move out.
Well, in that case... yes! Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] I'm definitely the alpha-est male here. Fired already?
Nancy:Why don’t they ever talk about all the buses that made it safely?Mark:Yes, I suppose the news should just be a dispassionate list of all the events that have occurred the world over during the day, that’d be good – except it would take forever. [She begins to rub her bottom against Mark's private area]. Eh, bullshitters turning wank into cash?
Johnson: In, fire thirty percent of the workforce, new logo, boom, out. Mark: (So great that Dobby’s agreed to move in. Mark Corrigan: [on the phone to Jeremy] Yes, I got Rizla papers. Johnson: It should take 45 minutes, I'm done in 10. Let's get married by Sir Alan Sugar and live off all-butter croissants in Canary Wharf! It's just, the thing is, I forgot about Debbie's chair, the wheelchair. Jeremy Usborne: Oh, for God's sake! Mark Corrigan: Yes, Jeremy, you've got your money. Ian Chapman: Don't stamp on it! Alan Johnson: I got something up on my visual display unit this morning, Mark. What I mean is that the German supply lines were stretched, Zhukov countered... Mark Corrigan: And the siege was broken. That is just so spot on. Super Hans: Yeah, I've mistakenly... run to Windsor! Jeremy Usborne: He's fine. Sophie Chapman: Why not go back to the place with the weird menus? Yeah, nearly there." Where's the turkey? Johnson: Then I'm going to make you feel like you're a turkey f***er. Jeremy Usborne: Oh yeah. Jeremy Usborne: [reading from a book about childbirth] The foetal head then passes below the pubic arch. [voiceover] Just keep nodding and smiling. Super Hans: [throws the book down] F*** this shit.
I suppose I always wondered whether... Mark Corrigan: I've always felt really weird around children, you know? An actual gun. Yeah? We can't throw that all away just because I... spy on you. Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Don't stop first. Jeremy Usborne: Of course, Suze, they're mushrooms, they're completely natural.
You total f***ing idiot!
[he hands Mark a letter] They say they look foward to hearing from us in the future. Mark Corrigan: Hmm.
Super Hans: Yeah, glue's coming back. In Ancient Rome they had Cupid, in modern days it's the Home Office. What is Plan B? Oh God, she looks amazing. Just a little bit of something debilitating in his pasta each night. Or is it in fact much more likely that my guys will have won the sperm war? But there's always the chance I'll get the toilet seat slammed on my cock for no reason. Hate to s**t myself for no reason and get eaten. Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Yeah, sure. I could look after him... not like a tamagotchi... better. What is this modern obsession with... that?
That's how love works, Mark. Merry migraine and a happy new stomach ulcer. Although I can in no way compare my struggle reading it with that of the Red Army, it has been a very big read. Web. Mark Corrigan Mark Corrigan: How incredibly thoughtful, Brutus! Is that such a crime? Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Can't believe he's actually moving out.
Super Hans: Oh what, so Mister f***ing ocean colour pants don't get it? Mark: She is very attractive.
I think this is probably the best example of the sort of stuff we do we've ever had. It is literally impossible. Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Ugh. But then I also wore those to the Jubilee pageant). S-A-T-C. Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Bollocks. I mean, if you've actually done... that, which, by the way, I can see no point whatsoever in myself... Mark Corrigan: I honestly would not! Just another ordinary day.” (Mark), “I bet she even does nice poos, little Maltesers that smell like The Body Shop.” (Jez), “I’ve watched Grand Designs with you. Martin: [to Jackie] Actually, darling, if you remember, we spoke about... Martin: Just that it might not be ideal for you still to be living on handouts from your mother. Mark Corrigan: I need to find out for a friend the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about. Jeremy Usborne: At ?3.99 I think I know who's winning. No, we couldn't. [he puts his headphones back on and carries on with the metal detector]. Jeremy Usborne: Before you really had a relationship. Jeremy Usborne: Hello, Sarah. Mark Corrigan: She's not out of Hollyoaks, Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! Mark Corrigan: It's pyramid selling, Barbara, I'm very sorry.
Mark Corrigan: Right. [Dobby's jaw drops. What have I become? Nicked my idea and then done it back to me. It's difficult to express both emotions at once! I have spent a cool grand on acquiring the resumption of an equitable temperature.” (Mark), “So what if I don’t really love her. Mark Corrigan: You know, Jez, I've started to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally f***ed.
Nancy: Obviously it wouldn't be a real wedding. Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] My mother is giving me socks depicting a sexual position I have never even attempted. Mind you, at least he had a girlfriend. Jez, the track's THE shit! Merry: Ohh, Mark. Jeremy Usborne: Oh God, that is so... why do burglars do that? Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I do want the FDR doll, but is it crossing a line?
Jeremy Usborne: I know my rights. Jeremy Usborne: I've got a reason for you not to marry Sophie, but you have to promise you won't be angry with me.
), Jez: Look, I’m just going to say this. It's Indiana Ashdown! Stick that up your dojo. Of course she's ignoring me, this morning I sent her a bloody swastika. Have I f***ed it? I'll literally get paid to go to the pub. Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I am experiencing humiliation. Turn down! He's probably here for community service. Jeremy Usborne: Oh, this is all bollocks, Mark. Jeremy Usborne: Er, no. Makes a man look scary, like a chicken.” (Mark), “People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis, you can’t trust people, Jez.” (Super Hans), “She is attractive, but brown rice and pop tarts, chamomile tea and economy vodka? At least throwing the money out of the window you’d see the scrabbling mass, the hate-filled faces. Super Hans: That's no chick, man. Don't! Look, I've nothing against being gay, but I'm not and neither is Johnson.
Bowie, obviously. Jeremy Usborne: Does post even need brushing? And this morning... Nancy: Oh, Jesus... thank you for this experience. Probably an invitation to one of Princess Anne's shepherd's pie and dogging parties. You said that I could have half of Gwen's money.
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